and i know that you'll find love,

i know i haven't updated in like.. a million years. but i guess nothing that interesting has happened. well, that's a lie. i've just lost the drive to write about it anymore. i think i'm starting to believe the lie and mean it when i say i don't care.

i'm learning how to be happy right now. even if smiles and laughs are fake. christmas is next week, and i haven't done shit to prepare for it; it's kinda sad, having nothing under the tree. hahaha. i guess santa's fucking broke this year.

ale left to california, so these days are pretty lonely. i was listening to the mixed cd she gave me, and i already miss her! c:

guess who asked out who today.
yep. i'm starting to think the 17th is cursed. :/

just keep pretending.

give me a reason (i don't believe a word)
to end this discussion (of anything i've heard)
to break with tradition (they tell me that it's not so hard)
to fold and divide (it's not so hard)
so let's not get carried (away with everything)
away with the process (from here to in-between)
of elimination (the long goodbye)
 i don't want to waste your time.

"someday you'll be fine.."
yes, i'll be just fine.

"Just because she comes off strong doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying;
and even though she acts like everything is alright... maybe, just maybe, she's really good at lying"

god, i always knew you would do this to me. thanks for at least telling me the truth (eventually), you fucking slut.

i have 4 days to get my act together until monday. i don't want people feeling bad for me anymore. i don't want your fucking pity. i'm just so sick of pretending. ale says my smiles aren't real anymore. i'm going to have to find a way to convince you that i'm doing just FINE without you, thank you very much. even if it's not the truth.

i haven't really been the same since and it hurts me deeply. you will never be able to understand what it feels like to be this empty and carry a heart so heavy. but, fuck it. i'm done waiting for you. i know i deserve so much better. you lost me.

and what hurts the most is knowing that everything i just said is a complete lie.

i know in the future i'll have to look back on this journal and read the captured memories of a teenage girl who's all hope was lost, and i don't want to. but i've done the best i can considering my upbringing.

won't you come back home?
you step in line,
you've got a lot to prove
it comes and goes
yeah, it comes and goes
a step in time
yeah, it's a lot to move
i know this will be temporary
i know this will be temporary
i know this will be, but i've had enough

why don't we ever believe ourselves? we have no one but ourselves to blame.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Very High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

as if i didn't already know.

these days swiftly come and go. i'm dreaming of him. the sun is gone, the nights are long and i am left while the tears fall.

do you know what it feels like being alone?
i'll find someone new.

i'd love to say i'm moving on, but i'm not. sure, i haven't cried as much and i'd like to say i'm proud of myself for that. but they say love is when you look at somebody and see past their flaws to what makes them imperfectly perfect. i guess i'm in love and i don't know how to get myself out.

but i confessed everything to god, and hopefully he was listening. hopefully things will look up soon. i can't do this anymore.

my saturdays are always boring. which is pretty sad. i haven't talked to anyone, and this is starting to depress me. i don't want to lose myself in this too.

at least i have new chapstick and milk duds. i'm getting a haircut tommorow. the first thing i need is change. call this another sign of a 'broken heart', but i'm not going to sit around on my ass and let this destroy me.

i really hate going on rooftops, or walking on the edge of things. because whenever i look down, i always have the urge to just.... jump.

so, just to make things clear for those who haven't talked to me lately (even though i doubt anyone reads this piece of shit), he broke up with me. all things said and done. well, not all things. i know i for sure still have a lot to say, just don't know when.

and with this, i've found out who my real friends are and who aren't. that's left me with practically no one, but i'm okay with it. i'm used to being alone, and i'm pretty good at it. people tend to annoy me anyways. it was just a matter of time until this happened. for someone's first "breakup", i can say i'm doing alright. i'm trying not to shed another tear for him, because he's not worth it. nobody is. i've spent one entire day crying, and that's all i'm going to give him. one day.

i hate the fact that it's so obvious, but you just don't want to admit it.

i feel like im standing on my own two feet in this one. i've always felt like no one has my back, and its true. fuck, I can't do this one on my own, and i'm scared shitless. i need you now more then ever. but i doubt you care. if you can go this long without even acknowledging the fact that i exist, then maybe it really is over. i don't know what's worse- saying i hate you, or knowing i don't. my cheeks hurt from fake smiling so much- i'm trying to pretend i'm happy and i don't need anyone at all to complete me, but if you just look into my eyes you'll see a different story.

i'm trying to hang on here. i don't know who i'm hanging on for, but i am.

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

i think i lost someone really important in my life, and i don't know wether i should continue my act of 'i don't give a fuck' or actually walk after them. i think ever since i stopped caring, it's hard for me to start now. apologizing isn't as easy as i thought.

last night went to see saw V with alex and kellyn and rolando. it was okay, too much gore for my stomach to handle. at least i had a slushie ! mmm. suddenly i want another one right now.

i need to go to office depot asap. science fair is due this friday and i haven't done shit. i don't want my grades to go downhill again so i need to start paying attention. life is too fast for me to keep up with, and i'm having a hard time upholding my play and work life. i need something reassured for me that it'll always be there, because i'm afraid that if i keep this up i'll be left standing alone and i won't even notice.

how i wish i could press 'rewind'.

i think this past halloween was probably the best one out of my entire life.
i love you guys. <3

i can't wait for tommorow, tbh. even if i still have homework to do. :/ i wish i wasn't such a procrastinator.

it would honestly make life so much easier. but i just can't bring myself to be.. unlazy. fuck.

today was picture day. i'm almost pretty sure i came out like shit, but i'm not very photogenic. i've come to realize how much everybody truly cares about how straight their hair is, how good their makeup looks, and a thousand other things that shouldn't be of much importance anyways.

i really need to go the mall today because i need a pair of jeans. no joke, i have my current ones since i was 10. :/ it's getting colder these days anyways.

which reminds me. the cold. i've actually needed to wear a sweater this week because it's freezing. i know, freezing temperatures in florida, a sure sign the world's ending. but i like winter.

the cold weather makes me feel kind of lonely.

the fact that alex broke his ankle and hasn't been to school lately just adds to that fact.

she told me you said you thought i was beautiful, but the truth is, i don't see it. at all.

i hate how my insecurity, anxiety and depression tend to ruin all the good things in my life. i wish i could see what everybody else does.

life's been good. i really don't have anything to rant/complain/whine/bitch about (yeah i know, it's a complete shocker). it seems like, for the first time in a long time, the world's the right side up again. it's a good feeling, and i want this to last; and i know it will as long as i'm with him.

if i am not living here in at least 10 years,
then i have failed.

you know, today's been a really good day.
can't complain. :]

possibly the best twilight day ever..
SO many new photos. damn.

and i finally picked my costume for halloween ! a little early, but i hate going to party city a day before and having all of the costumes sold out. :/ lol.
sailor girl anyone~

i have some gross eye infection, so i came home early from school. idk i guess it's pink eye, which is fucking crazy because i don't even wear makeup anymore and shit so i have no idea how i could've gotten it. whatever, though. shit happens.

i've had a really crappy day so far.

i can't even bear to mention what i heard because it justs bring back the depression. so this is how heartbreak feels like, huh. i guess i deserve it. always whining and bitching about "stupid skanks who are always complaining about their love lives". well, i guess i'm one of them now, too bad i don't even have one anymore.

so i asked myself, "what would blair waldorf do?"

in that case.. i'm going to finish the tea im making, give myself a facial, turn my room into a spa, watch breakfest at tiffany's, and move on.

hopeless.

went to borders today. bought go ask alice (i'm already halfway through it, though.. could it be any shorter? i guess i'm into books that never seem to end). i swear, the bookstore is and always has been my fucking toysrus lol :/ pretty sad

after getting soaking wet in the rain, stuffing my face all day with chex mix and managing to finish homework on top of that (don't know how i did it, it was pretty brutal), i guess i've had a rather.. uninteresting day.

just like any other day, tbh.

without dissapointment, though, we would never feel truly happy. shit comes with a price.

i'm totally saving up money for that alice cullen crest necklace. i don't care if i have to become a prostitute to get those twenty bucks, i need to have it. D:

it's 3am, i think i need to go to bed. i don't know how i even get up at 8 in the morning with this sleeping cycle. i guess coffee has my back.

it's funny how i always get butterflies in my stomach whenever i think about you. in blair's words, those butterflies have got to be murdered.

school's getting easier but i'm still suffering. i just need to get better at this game and soon enough i'll be back on top like i used to be. not like i have much of a choice.

my sleeping cycle is officially fucked.

i am so tired of the people at school changing my scheduale. something needs to be done about it.
the past few days have been okay. other then constantly switching out of classes to the point i might explode, i'm fine. i think there's still a bit of hope.

"he thought i was prettiest when i stepped
out of the shower with my eyelashes glued
together into little wet triangles, water beading
on a pale expanse of collarbone. she thought

i looked best eleven pounds thinner, with ribs
like xylophones, but now i've eaten my own
weight in tragedy and the only rhythm you can
keep on my body is the sorry metronome of

my heart. you think i'm most beautiful in the
morning, half asleep with dawn casting a halo
on my bedhead hair, naked limbs loose and
lazy. i, however, think i was most lovely when

i was thirteen: before i dyed my hair purple,
before i carved perfect lines into my fragile
wrists, before i let people care too much for
the way my breath catches when i sigh--

when i was thirteen, when i cut off the lights
and let my body fade into pure geometry and
soft shadows. when the nightlight caught me
on fire and my dark eyes glowed like something
beautiful, like something worth falling in love with."

i am fully aware of my livejournal (and pretty much every thought that crosses my mind) oozing pessismism. i used to have a sense of humor, but as the years pass it gets drained out of me more and more every day.

i almost feel sorry for myself, but i don't have the time to do so. i'm too busy worrying over what's going to possibly come out of my life. i'm convinced this constant battle of depression and self esteem (which leads to other things i'd rather not mention) will take over my entire life, if it already hasn't. my father's condition has gotten worse and worse and worse. any second now and my mother will completely snap. and i can't say much for my sister, because i feel like i hardly know her at all.

i'm starting to lose the idea of what a family is.

and this would all be okay for me if i had someone to lean back on. i could feel like this a thousand times a day, but it would be fine by me if i knew there was someone who was hearing me out. who would be there for me no matter what. but it turns out, i don't. everyone keeps telling me my thoughts are so mature for my age, blah blah blah, i've grown up in such a short amount of time etc etc etc. i don't say anything, but in my mind i know it's because when everyone else is hanging out with their friends or worrying about homework or their biggest fear is not being able to keep that A in math class, i'm being forced to rely on myself.

i have so many dreams and hopes for my future, but i'm starting to realize they're not going to come true. my world isn't the fairy tale i once thought it was. all these things just keep building inside of me, like today, and i just explode. but i don't have anyone to talk to, so i turn to you, livejournal. i just want god to point me in the direction i'm supposed to be going. or maybe if he could send someone along in this overcrowded city with a population of thousands to make me feel less alone.

it's raining like a bitch. but i don't care, i still think it's beautiful.

however, getting wet in the rain is not. -_-; whatever.

it's been a usual, boring monday so there's not much i could tell you. except for the fact sean said my headband looked like a dead bird on my head (F.Y.I., you have no sense of style thanks). i have a tooooon of homework but that's to be expected.. i don't want it to get in the way of gossip girl 2night. ah, gossip girl.. the only reason i survive mondays not gunna lie.

ugh, i want to get out of florida so bad. i told my mom about it too.
me: can we like... move?
mom: to where?
me: forks, washington; it's in the olympic peninsula and it rains everyday. but i wouldn't argue if you want to move to australia. or, you know, the farthest country from the united states of america. maybe paris.
mom: ..............................................................

i'm watching project runway and holding my eyelids up to not fall asleep. help me procrastinate

it keeps coming to my attention that i like books better then people.