vanessa v i c i o u s

today (or, yesterday) was the first day of school... a fucking nightmare.
I don't have classes with any of my friends. I don't have electives because i'm stuck repeating math and science.

It could've been a lot worse and i realize I'm being an ungrateful little bitch but I can't stop feeling like a failure in every way. everything I do dissapoints my parents. I don't know what to do or which way to go. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to tell me things are going to be okay. I'm having a breakdown and i cried myself to sleep before waking up an hour later. there's no escape.

I haven't felt this heartbroken or lonely in a long, long time.

i went to dolphin today, bought the rest of my shit for school and shoes, but... i couldn't get the twilight calender. ):

sdjfasndfklafsd life has been boring, but the fact that twilight has been moved up to november 21, 2008 just made this day a whole lot better.
12.12.08 11.21.08 (even though it looked cooler.. haha)

i realized right now how unhappy i am of breaking dawn and it's lack of edward. :/
i'm just going to pretend it never existed.

i'm so scared of never being loved.
and sometimes, it scares me so much i want to cry.

i don't want to end up alone.
i wish i was special to someone.

i watched garden state today.

"You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

worst birthday ever.

i finished breaking dawn at 8:44am this morning (august 5th, 2008).

i stayed up all night and i can't say i'm completely satisfied with it, but it will have to do.

today... i got breaking dawn.

i know. BEST DAY OF MY LIFE, SRSLY.

well. the party wasn't that great. i expected it to be better but, ugh, whatever. i got my book pretty early and thats more then i could ask for.
and OH i saw ale. yeah. 8D it was fun.

but totally fucking crazy, too.

im on page 62 now, so i'm gunna go readreadread EEEEEE.
im so fucking tired but i can't sleep. i won't ):

well. i got my haaairrr cut today! a real one. and i like it. :) i just hope it stays above my shoulders for now, my hair grows way too fast. and it's super annoying.

other then that, i went to the supermarket then i got pissed off at the twilight fandom and took it out on everyone and now i'm just chilling..
two more days.

those three words are said too much, and not enough.

yesterday i went to dolphin and bought a few nice things.. even though i'm not sure if i want to wear it to the midnight release.
the kids going are vicious. and like, eleven year olds. just like most of the twilight fandom.

but it's breaking dawn so i'm not going to let them ruin it for me. (lol omg, im so ashamed i like this series)

i bought the prettiest cameo ring.. i love it.

i was supposed to get my haircut today, but i'm really doubting it.. whatever. bye bye, long hair

it's been a really long morning.

thank god im not going to that stupid beach house anymore.

you sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways.
you play forgiveness, watch now, here he comes

words cannot express how happy i am that i HAVEN'T repeated this year. repeating grades is for losers. a waste of time. i can't do that.
now i know, this year i have to pull my shit together. i have to focus on what really matters. i might take a break from rping for a while, i dunno. i, unlike most of you, take school pretty seriously.

i don't need this getting in the way of it.

so what, we were all afraid.
so this, i swear i know, it's not the chemicals.
you are off my mind, i finally got away.

so come on, and we'll sleep away december.

i hate how when i need someone the most, they're not there for me.

you can all go fuck yourselves. seriously.

you have to hate me because people watch me and are interested, good, bad or otherwise. you couldn't stand alone on your own two feet because you aren't a very good writer in spite of what you think. i hope you know that your negativity will be your downfalling, but you are too dumb to realize this.

the fact that i pay so little attention to my life and everything around me.. kind of shocks me.

i've changed, and i don't know why or how or when.
i used to be poetic, kind, determined. a dreamer.
now i'm just blunt, distasteful and grudge-holding.

nothing happened this sunday. is it anything different from ordinary? i finished private though, and i just bought it yesterday.. sigh. back to rereading twilight for the 36th time.

even though i'm a twilighter, i still have my love for harry potter. ...deep deep down. jo kind of ruined it for me with the deathly hallows epilogue. but jesus, what the hell? WHERE'S MY GOD DAMN HALF BLOOD PRINCE TRAILER?!

any bets that it'll come out AFTER the movie's released? -_-
man, i bet the CEO of WB is leaning back in his thousand-dollar desk chair, smoking a cigar, possibly enjoying a glass of liqour, loving the power to poke fun at us poor innocent harry potter fans.

so i had been searching through my old diaries i kept on microsoft word. pretty stupid since anyone could read them, i guess, but i stumbled upon something i wrote when i was 10 years old. "No one knows this and no one may know, but I’m pretty much borderline suicidal right now. I can’t handle this life anymore. One more second and I’ll snap. I can’t handle him. This is an endless cycle, and I'm tired of it."

i guess this really has been going on for way too long.

so my eyes are like, fucking burning. i don't know, i guess i slept with my contacts or some shit. and i can only used 4 eyedrops daily and my eyes are still red so.. i'm pretty much fucked.

what am i doing on here again?

i went to borders, bought private. all the gossip girl books are like, sold out. ): and then i spent like half an hour huddled in a corner reading the first chapter of breaking dawn AGAIN.

then went to subway and publix and blahblahblah

2 days until the twilight message boards close... i'm going to die.
fuck you smeyer.

when i eat,  i feel like a failure.

these days are so boring. all i'm looking forward to is breaking dawn. i have nothing else on my agenda.
all my friends are out of town, and i'm stuck in here.

i don't have a life.
and i desperately want one. :/

jamaica was pretty good. i think i was pretty much dead yesterday, i went to the airport at 11 am and i ended up landing at florida at 9pm. -_-  sigh.

i'm too lazy to write out all the details right now, but nothing got stolen, i didn't lose anything and nothing bad happened. i call that a success

i feel really down right now. my family never fails to lower my self esteem. i think they should write a book on how to do this. it's rock bottom, and i can't take it anymore.

i want to be like them. stunning. skinny. funny. nice. i don't know how to.

today's been a pretty good day.

i went to walmart, bought orange tic tacs and those ugly water shoes for dunns river falls (i'll return them when i come back >.>). then to hooters- curly fries! uh, then to dolphin mall, borders (the host seems like such a crappy book.. that's why i didn't buy it), bought my sunglasses @ forever 21 and.. that's my day in a nutshell.

so, the rest of the day i spent packing. i am leaving the day after tommorow, after all. and i usually wake up at.. 2? so there's only a few more hours to wait ;D

for some reason, i feel like something bad's gonna happen.. but that may be just me being paranoid.. i don't know. i'm really nervous.

i'm gunna go pack the rest of my stuff.

x